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Life of the Bored and Taskless.

Tuesday, April 30, 2002

Me- "Dad, want to know what I learned in science class today?"
Dad- "Ok...give me a hint."
Me- "Um...you have one...(mumbles) animal penises "
(brothers start cracking up)
Me-"Did you know that a whale's is 10 feet long and 1 foot in diameter? I mean, the whale is huge so.."
(brothers cracking up and wowing)
(Dad starts cracking up, chocolate milk coming from Scott out of his mouth)
Dad- "Did you see that? That was funnier than what you said!"
Me-"See what?"
(look over at Scott who is laughing hysterically and a puddle of chocolate/snot milk is on his plate)
Dad-"Chocolate milk came out of his nose!"
(everyone laughs)
Me- "Man, I'm not even going to tell you about the other ones I learned about..."
Scott- "Ow"
Dad- "I know that hurts doesn't it"
Me- (saying things about nose fountains and making Scott crack up more)

That was fun, I wish every dinner had a conversation like that.

7:51 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

dun.....dun.....dun.......DUN DUN!!! ANIMAL PENISES!!!! You are probably thinking, what the hell? She is one screwed up pervert. Well if that's the case, I'm not, my science Dr. Mackensen is. Since we are learning about the differences between reptiles and mammals, including reproduction, he decided to go further in depth into the wonderful world of the external male reproduction organ. This was my last period of the day today, and folks, I was not dissapointed. Here are some "gross" things (which I so immaturely found amusing) about the diversity of animal dingalings. Enjoy...

1) A cat's thing is spiky. Dr. Mack said that it is known that cats howl when the "do it." Great.
2) "A pig's penis is corkscrewed at the end...oh! That wasn't meant to be a pun..." Oh, but it was.
3) "This is a snake...wait, I really mean snake, that wasn't slang for...yeah." He told us of the time when he was young and went out in the woods and picked up a garter snake that he found and this pink thing bulged out of it's skin. He went home to his dad, who was a veterinarian, and told him he thought he squeezed out its guts. "No son, that's just the snake's hemipenis"..."Ok dad..."
4) A possum's willie is "double barreled". Oh dear lord.
5) And last, but certainly not least, a whale's dick (like Moby...ah that was bad) is 10 FEET LONG AND 1 FOOT IN DIAMETER. He made two people hold up 3 yard sticks to demonstrate this visually.Holy crap, that is huge, but consider the animal. The lesson was ended there, and my day was just made...interesting. Wow.

7:25 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Monday, April 29, 2002

Who's your daddy?? Find out @ blackhole

Oooo baby? He's so..yeah. I love The Simpsons, just not all neked and such...

5:56 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

I haven't posted lately, because, I don't know. I guess I'll sum up what has happened since I last posted which was...last Monday! Wow. Ok, Tuesday...can't remember. Wednesday, I would have posted when I was online, but I felt like crap and I had some sort of stomach thing. I've had this "thing" before. My mom was thinking Mono, while my uncle thought I had an ulcer from stress. I was thinking an ulcer, and I told that to mom, and she said, "How come you always get this stomach problem on MY week?" (My parents are separated, every other week custody deal) Hmmm...maybe because she is the biggest source of stress for me in my life! So on Thursday, I stayed home and watched reruns of The Osbournes and other high quality television programming. Friday, I guess nothing much in school, if something did happen, it went over my head.

Friday night was fun. Stephanie, Lauren, Danielle, Jenna, Mike, Adam, Kara, Vanessa, and Possita, er, me went to see The Scorpion King (it was pretty good) then went to The Coffee Beanery afterwards. Stephanie, like me, is not a coffee drinker AT ALL, so we sat at a booth and picked up a used spoon we found. We had all sorts of fun with it! We were practicing our catapult techniques with that and a dime. We had 3 different launching styles: 1) the "pull back the end" one, 2) "Edge of table" 3) and "foot catapult". We didn't actually officially name them, I just did that. We went outside and stomped on the spoon and the dime went pretty far. We found that next door was a pizza place! Why couldn't we have gone there! So then we thought about how far my dome topped mini lip gloss would go, because it fit the curviture of the spoon, and I think right now I will try that...no I shouldn't. I'd probably end up abusing a pet...Soooo.

Saturday, I didn't do much, and Sunday...dun dun DUN was THE piano recital. Fear it! I had to play at the Family Of God Lutheran Church at 2:00. Usually, when my mom says she'll show up at one of my events, she doesn't and I like it that way. However, this time she not only showed up, but she also brought her dull beau Brian, and a camcorder. Vicki, my piano teacher/ therapist said to me...

Vicki: Smile! It's not that bad!
Me: (hunched over and frowning) My mother is here.
Vicki: That's a good thing!
Me: No....it's not. (goes sits down in assigned seat before the parental unit approaches me)

I sat down before anyone else and zoned out, hoping my mom wouldn't screw this day up anymore than it was going to be if I messed up my song. A tad self-doubting? Yes. So Mother-Of-the-Year approached me and cooked up some small talk about my stomach, the weekend, yada yada. Then she said I looked tired and I said I had allergies and my eyes were all itchy and teary that morning. Then, just for my amusement and some shock value I said, "Do my eyes looked glazed over? (she nodded) Because they did this morning, like I was stoned or something." My mom's no normal housewife or anything, but she said, "Jacqueline..." in a "tisk tisk" manner. Hah. She left after attempting to kiss me, ug, and I sat there and just muttered to myself. A little later I looked back and saw her setting up the camera (NO!) and Brian sat there with this stupid childish grin as if to say haha. WHY ME?! So, this recital wasn't really long because most of the people went at the 4:00 one. Out of 23 performers, I went 17th. It was fun to see all the little cute kids, and once again the 15,976 Cain children (ok, only 4/6 went in this one). I was sneezing during the 16th person's song and I pictured myself trying to play the piano while have a sneezing fit. I stopped, and did a silent "phew!" I went on and plopped down and paused for 10 seconds then started. I banged it out with the dynamics the best as I could remembering the little mental technique (haha) I used to give the song an extra punch. I wasn't concentrating on how good I sounded, just so long as I didn't screw up. I might have really done well because Vicki's husband, and two other people said I sounded awesome, one guys said "You really kicked the song". Hmm. Well, now my mom can brag to all the people at work how talented her daughter (who she yells at constantly and makes her life a living hell because she am SuperBitch) is. Free food at the end, yum! So that ends my weekend saga. Yawn.

Today, I wore a funky outfit, and it seems I do that every Monday now. Whatever, you don't care about my clothing, I'll stop. In French class, Katie and I started cracking up because we were planning on repeating things really loudly and wrong. When Madame Bowers called on me I was laughing and pronouncing whatever the phrase was really loud and wrong. It was great! Then we played Bingo and we didn't win! AH! It's not fair! The last thing she called was my name, for O, and I needed Katie's! So I got home and rocked out to a burned Weezer CD of different songs. I scared my cat away during "Let's Sew Our Pants Together"...and she was outside. Boo-yeah! I never realized how much I like "I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams." "Velouria" has to be one of the best Weezer songs, I mean covers, but their version kicks ass. I can't find my bootlegged Weezer tape! First, I couldn't find the MTV2 Extended Midget Tour tape w/El Scorcho and Say It Ain't So on it, now this. It's a conspiracy, Scott Stapp took it.

Good news: The Hives' video, "Hate To Say I Told You So" is handpicked on MTV2. This means they will be playing it A LOT! Yay!

5:42 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Monday, April 22, 2002

"Hey, wanna see my bracelet?"
"...I might get a seisure."

-My conversation today with Kenny

Today was alright. I wore my "Hello My Name Is" sticker that I wrote "Wacky." on. Wacky Jacquie. That was the whole point. People either asked me "Why are you wearing that?" or "Where did you go today", as if I went somewhere where I needed to wear a nametag. My response was that I'm wacky, and that I felt like it. It was fun. Since Lauren always yells RALPH! and I yell LAUREN! in the hallway, tomorrow she's wearing one that says Ralph and I'm wearing one that says Lauren. If she wore a Lauren one, people would say, "I know." That's no fun.

The English sub today knew Bridget's oldest brother. That's pretty wild, I say. I know I'm skipping around a lot, but also Mr. H likes when people lower his self esteem or something. Why? On the test he really added some weird choices or answers...containing himself. I mean, he does it usually once or twice, but this was insane. Example:

Who is the most annoying teacher you know?
a) Mr. H c) Mr. H e) both b and d
b) Mr. H d) Mr. H

So I wrote, "E, but where's 'all of the above'?" I commented about 3 times on the test. We have this odd relationship. I make fun of him then he pretends to feel bad, then makes a comeback and I laugh at myself. I think it's a game of who can lower the other person's self esteem the most. My self esteem is not much of an issue, but sadly, Mr. H can be chrushed. Mwahahaha.

One time last week, Dr. Mack was talking about something and he said a word that almost made me laugh. (Since I can find a relationship for everything to Weezer). Dr. Mackensen has a distinguished vocabulary and when he says a word that sounds good, he says, "There's an SAT word for you, I just raised your score 5 points. Say 'Thank you Dr. Mack'..." Then we all mutter it. Well, he mentioned the word "adroit" and I couldn't believe it. If you don't know already, Weezer's new album (coming May 14th) is entitled "Maladroit". He said that "adroit" came from a French root meaning "skilled". Mal in French means bad. So, Maladroit basically means not skilled. The dictionary said clumsy or something, but I'm going to pretend that I made some kind of connection.

Wow. You might think I'm a nutcase, but I'm actually liking "Private Message" which is now posted along with two other in the audio/video section of Weezer.com. The Green Album dissapointed me, Maladroit is alright, but maybe they are slowly coming out of the poppy, non emotional shell that Rivers Cuomo has hidden in recently. Maybe Brian wrote that song, I sure hope so. I am pretty sure he wrote "Yellow Camaro" which is on there. downloaded it, but only heard 10 seconds of it because my TALKATIVE grandmother called from Florida. (She's still talking to my brother and he's making fun of her with the "talking hand" thing) But from what I've heard, it has Brian on lead vocals. I laughed because it sounded kind of odd, but Brian isn't exactly the most normal guy I know of. Could this be a turning point in the saga of Weezer? Possibly, but I know one thing. They are at an all-time low on sassiness (Matt) and sexiness (Mikey). Scott is, well, different. I think he polishes his head with turtle wax. His fore head is [ ] compaired to a normal sized one: [ ]. I just measured with those, that's pretty crazy. His hairline is WAY back, and it's all greasy and ew.

By the way, "Yellow Camaro" is pretty good. Not Weezer, but Brian's little rockin' creation. It's not that bad. Hm.

8:45 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Sunday, April 21, 2002

Not much to say. I watched the World Music Awards. Why? I don't know, to see foriegn people, but most of them were American artists, so blah. It was all poppy too, so eh. Whatever. I was watching Malcolm In The Middle and Control Freak at the same time, so it made my night somewhat worth while. The Hives, "Hate To Say I Told You So" lost on Control Freak by about 15% ( :( ) but then at 9:00 when everything was over, they played it on MTV2, just for music videos!!! I called up Dana because she likes all the music I show her (The White Stripes, Phantom Planet) and I figured, hey, why not Swedish punk rock? Plus, the lead singer is cute! (and Swedish!) She said for some odd reason her TV stopped at channel 63 and MTV2 is 65! Damn! I was sitting there drooling and she was being deprived of the glorious...Hives-ness. I put the phone up to the TV for the last 30 seconds. Oh well, I'll have to buy the CD now and give it to her to borrow. Haha. By the way, I played Spider Solitaire for hours on end today, while listening to all my downloads and The White Stripes. Fun stuff. Addicted? Oui.

9:46 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Saturday, April 20, 2002

Bridesburg. Home of big butts, kielbasa, and 80 something year old Polish women who won't let you leave until they give you half of what's in their fridge. Ug, Philadelphia would be a brighter place without my great grandmother living there. Bridesburg is basically the Polish village in Philly. Everyone knows each other there, and if you read To Kill A Mockingburg, it's like Maycomb. Except it's urban. All the people's last names are hard to pronounce, which makes it interesting.

When we got there this morning, my aunt (well great aunt) showed me the house she grew up in, the house she moved to, and my great great aunt Irene's (Renie for short) house. We went inside and she redid the place and it looks nice. I wouldn't know what it looked like before, I was really young when I went in there last. She showed me an old picture of her and her husband Matt by a tree. He was holding a cigarette in his hand, had rolled up sleeves and pants because it had just rained, and was looking at Renie, who was looking back at him and was wearing a dress and loafers. The tree was painted half white for some unknown reason, and it looked like a magazine ad. It was a beautiful picture. Then we went to Hell later.

Today, a huckster, a guy who sells fruit and veggies in a truck, had a bullhorn and was yelling and singing about the prices. They aren't too common in the suburbs, I can tell you that. My aunt said that a one-legged man used to go up and down the streets selling horseradish in a horsedrawn cart. Horseradish? Apparently, Bridesburgians use that in recipies a lot, it's a Polish thing.Yuck. Also, on Fridays this guy used to stand on a corner and sell deviled crabs and clams because Catholics didn't eat meat on Fridays, especially during Lent. I want a huckster to come down my street and sell fruits!!! We picked up two cantalopes for Babci (grandmom in Polish). We call her "Bach" for short...as in "bachelism". I know, we're nice people. Seriously, she even said she was going to hell today. "My parents never cursed one time in front of me. They never said 'damn' or anything like that. I do, and I am just going to hell." Bravo. When I told that to my aunt, she said, "At least she knows where she's going."

Ok, here's the situation. She's eighty something, had a stroke, lives by herself, complains every two seconds, talks nonstop and if you try to say something cuts you off, orders you to clean for her then tells you to do something else, makes you get her food or take cookies home even if you have two zillion ones already, is way out of touch with today, is a hypochondriac (a person who thinks they're sick all the time), and is a critic of every little thing you do. There. It is that bad. I had to clean this tray that holds her flowers and I accidentally knocked over a flower pot. D'oh! I had to clean that up then too. I vacuumed, dropped more things, and I sweeped the whole front yard and picked up trash off of the ground. My break was going over to Lachowich's (pronounced La-ho-vich-is) to get a sandwich and some wafers for next week's piano recital. Meanwhile, while I was trying to focus on doing these tasks, she was yapping a way about all sorts of things, and if I called you up and did my impression of her talking you would either laugh or hang up. Well, she did give me 7$ for my deeds.

I went over to copy an article for her about one of my distant cousins or something who led his high school basketball team to victory. There was this guy there helping me and I screwed up a billion times, but he only made me pay 25 cents. Then I ran up and it turns out I forgot the original article! So I had to run back and he said, "What now! Did you forget the" and I nodded and he laughed and then said in a jokingly manner, "You're not allowed in here again!" and I said, "I know!" It turns out his daughter carried the Olympic torch through Philadelphia back in 2000 because she is a champion diver. Cool.

6:24 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Linda, I am truly touched! She still is a fan of my site, and likewise! I read hers almost everytime I go online. I'm going to bed now, but I had to slide that in....there's another linkety link to her site....

799 visitors! Holy cow! One more and it will be 800...! Ok, I'll NOT get absorbed and big headed. Zzzzzzz...

12:24 AM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Linda and Jacquie's conversation: Dollar Stores and Douche Bags...

Me: you know what's the best store?
Me: the dollar store. it has everything
Linda: :-D I'm so glad you said that
Linda: I totally agree. It's so hard to convince people, though!
Me: i bought "Hello My Name Is" stickers, and i'm going to wear them to school
Linda: Once I bought a marker there and some posterboard, and I sat outside the place and made oversized cards to give to strangers
Linda: but I only had the nerve to hand out one of them
Me: but i'm not going to put jacquie, i'm going to put something else just to amuse myself
Me: HAHA!!!! that's bold
Me: i wouldn't even give out one! i'm a wuss
Me: i'd say hey here's a...nevermind! and scurry away like a chipmunk
Linda: :-) it took me a while
Linda: okay, here's something-
Linda: at YOUR dollar stores, do they sell fucking douches?
Me: YES!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I saw it, and i was like, holy crap!
Me: i don't know!
Me: they had like 3 different kinds too!
Linda: I have this plan, and I've had it for a while, to one day go in there, by nothing but fifty dollars worth of douches, and walk out
Linda: to make one, simple point-
Me: HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Linda: I think I should make it into a crusade, actually
Linda: I'll go across the country and buy 10 or so from EVERY dollar store
Me: the douche tirade!
Linda: maybe I'll get a sponsor so I can buy out there whole stock
Me: HAHA!!!
Linda: and then burn it in the streets of omaha!
Me: omaha! it's genuis!
Linda: (becuase it's the first city that came to mind)
Me: that's great, i'll do it with you
Linda: ....let's improvise poetry about it
Me: the lady on the douche box was holding a rose or something...??
Linda: I'll write one line, you write the next...
Linda: yes, yes she was!
Me: ok! i love doing this
Linda: Ahem, I'll start-
Me: ok...

Here is the final product of our....ok her creativity. Me and poetry don't quite mix...

Linda: The smell of burning douchebags in the streets of the city
Me: Made young children and horny old men oh so giddy
Linda: The sun was setting and the stars were itty-bitty
Me: The Dollar Tree customers ponder at this disgusting sight
Linda: And let the demons of their imaginations grow unto new height
Me: And mothers cover their children's eyes, who look away with all their might
Linda: Two girls danced in victory as the flames grew higher
Me: After the bonfire flames smoldered, they threw 22 douchebags on some mire
Linda: They knew that they had burned all evil in the pire!
Me: Many dollar stores beholded this sight, and packed the douchebags away...
Linda: And that is the tale of Jacquie and Linda, who saved the day!

Woo! Douche bags at dollar stores NO MORE! Go here to see my douche crusade friend's site!

(P.S. I didn't go to the dance. Watched Gladiator. Ate Fruit Punch Rita's Water Ice and chocolate covered grapes and strawberries. Went online and talked about douches....all right!)

12:16 AM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Thursday, April 18, 2002

"Hate to say I told you so, all right!
Do you believe I told you sooooooooo!"
~ The Hives, "Hate To Say I Told You So"

AH! I can't get enough of this song. I'm in love with Howlin' Pelle! (The lead singer) I'm going to list the top 10 reasons why I have just started loving The Hives as of yesterday:

10) They all dress in black suits and white ties and shoes! (Except for Pelle, he has a black tie...but still!)
9) The way the band was formed was by an "mysterious" man named Randy Fitzsimmons who sent letters to all 5 boys. Letters? That's cool.
8) Did I mention the videos? "Main Offender" has to be on my just-made-up "Favorite Videos List". It rocks! Today, yes today, MTV2 premiered "Hate To Say I Told You So", and it...ROCKS! They are showing it every hour, on the hour. Watch it and rock out! I did. It's more of a workout than Tae Bo!
6) They are Swedish! Sweden is foriegn, thus making them foriegners, thus making Jacquie excited!
5) They have cool monikers. Howlin' Pelle, Dangerous Chris, Dr. Matt Destruction, Vigilante Carlstrom, and Nickolaus Arson. Woo!
4) They are funny and are not anal assholes...cough cough rivers cough, and are just guys looking to make good ROCK music!
3) Did I mention they rock?
2) They rock my socks!
1) ....THEY ROCK, MAN!

I'm going to do what I always do, I hear one song by an artist then go by the CD, only to find other wonderful songs. I have not been let down once when I got The White Stripes, Phantom Planet, The Strokes, and Thursday CD's. Soon, I'll be kickin' it Swedish Punk Rock style. Then, I'll lend Dana my CD and I will never get it back! JUST KIDDING Dana, I don't mind as long as you listen to them and give me feedback. It means something to me when I give someone a CD and they love it.

28 minutes until the video comes on again. Rock!

I insulted Mr. H once again today, but everyone does. I still feel like I have taken part in the crushing of his self-confidence. Mwahaha. No, I love Mr. H and his lengthy homework assignments just as much as everyone else! Yeah. Ok, I have to go, uh, read more. To Kill A Mockingbird is good so far, and don't you DARE tell me the ending!

Until later,

6:30 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

"I never cared much about prescriptions when I was 15. Now, I have three I take a day..." -Mr. H, 3rd Period

I knew that everyone in class was trying to hold in laughter. I mean, the man has a reputation for being a caffiene high spaz/nazi/commie/drill sergent when it comes to teaching class. I was thinking, I wonder what those 3 prescriptions are...then it came to me. 1) Prozac. 2) Ritalin and 3) Viagra. You know it's true. If Mr. H ever finds this, I'll be done forever. Today, he said, "You all hate me, don't you." People chuckled, laughed, nodded, so on. I said, "Yeah. Pretty much." kind of loud. Kenny said, "Oh, that was all Baker." Then Mr. H gave me this odd look and said, "You know, I still have time to change 3rd marking period grades..." Mwahaha. I am truly evil. Then Rob started harassing me about it later and HE'S the one who wrote Mr. H is a devil for the test question, "Mr. H is the coolest guy in the world. True or False?" Blow it out your ass,Tito!

Other than Mr. H, the Olsen Twins, and the sun, I have now added fate to my "Conspiracy Against Me" list. I've heard some songs by The Hives, and heard they were kickass live. Then I look at tour dates. When are they coming to Philly? JUNE 14. That, my friends, is the same exact day of Flag Day, which is my birthday, which is ALSO the day of Freshman Day. I guess the whole Freshmen Day deal will make my b-day worth while, but some guy once said, "If you don't like The Hives, you don't like Rock 'n Roll." I love rock 'n roll! (I'm not going to start singing that, by the way). Plus, the 5 boys from Sweden (foriegn guys...woowee) have cool nicknames, well I guess names, and they dress in black and white suits. Do I have some sort of "thing" for bands who wave a two color dress code...maybe. But their songs are kickin' and I'd love to see them give me permanent hearing loss while I smile and scream along. I saw this house yesterday that was red and white, and I said to myself, I bet Jack and Meg White live there and I don't even know it. That would be the coolest thing. Ever.

The Hives' new video premieres tomorrow on my love channel, MTV2. This is not a new topic. I'll switch now.

Today in science (once again) I wanted to kill Drew Nowicki. Seriously, you do too. It was extremely hot today, and our school is semi air conditioned, but the science hallway is not. So in 9th period science it was very hot. Well, Dr. Mack put a sign on the fan about not standing in front of the fan or touching it. Drew went up to it, on the side of it, not in the front of it. Then he said, "I'm not standing in front of it!" or something stupid like that. What happened? Mack turned the fan of for 5 minutes. Then when he went to turn it back on, Drew said, "I think it's unfair that THAT side of the room gets the fan and we don't." Mack shut it off for 5 minutes. 5 minutes later..."I'm not complaining or anything, but does the fan have a faster speed?" Click. 5 minutes later. "You still didn't answer my question!" This time he didn't turn it off, but I saw the eye twitch. The guys at my table thought it was funny, and I thought it was...Drew. Everyone else was pissed off. Drew smiled stupidly and continues to ruin my life everyday. 41 days left of school. Halle-freakin-luia.

You know what's cool? Watching TV in mute and listening to music at the same time, and trying to see if the song and any channel matches in meaning, theme, etc. Romeo And Juliet came on Monday night on AMC and at the time I just happened to be listening to my brand new Thursday CD and eating a King Size Twix. It was towards the end of the movie, and all the depressing things were happening. The CD was depressing as well, and the song illustrated the physical and mental struggles the "start-crossed lovers" faced at the end of the play. It was perfect. Also, when the CD ended so did the movie. Wow. I think the sugar rush made it a better moment too. Last night I watched Rushmore, and in commercial breaks I did my Mr. H homework. Rushmore is great, and if you didn't know this, Jason Shwartzman who is from the band Phantom Planet brilliantly plays the lead role of Max Fischer in the movie. Bill Murray's in it too. I'm going to become a mormon one day and switch the rules of sodomy so wives can have more than one husband, not the other way around. That way I could have Mikey Welsh, Alex Greenawald, Jason Shwartzman and I guess The Hives as well. Aww man life would rock!

I'll stop boring you, listen to my 2 1:30 clips of The Hives and stop increasing my risk of getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Oh yeah, homework too. Chip. chip. cherrio. No, I want to be Canadian dammit!

6:47 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

I just had bunches of fun at babysitting. *Hint of sarcasm* Two walks and a dirty diaper later, I want to die. That way, I don't have school tomorrow, because having no school is so much better. Summer hates me. While walking I was thinking about it. You want to see what I was thinking? (you groan) Ok, good, here it is:

I am going to shrivel up into a rust colored prune.
One day, the sun will make me spontaeously combust, and then it will laugh at my expense. Then, it will get 5 degrees hotter because it will forever hate me and other pale people.
I'm probably not going with anyone to Freshman Day.
We never got a spring, it went from winter to spring. blah.
Pros of summer: No school, possible job, possible vacation
Cons of summer: Sunburn, a chance to get future skin cancer, possible job, piano lessons STILL, humidity, hot temperature, me in a bathing suit, sweat, sunburn

I have to go start and complete Social Studies homework. I've added Mr. H and Clifford the big red dog to my conspiracy against me list.

6:49 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Monday, April 15, 2002

My hands smell like bleach. I haven't done much today. Well actually, I did, but it wasn't that enjoyable. I was off from school today and tomorrow, so my dad did errands, and took my brothers. I cleaned the house. Bathrooms, did the dishwasher, vaccumed, cleaned up my living room (a.k.a. KB Toys) I took a break to do some spastic ballet while listening to "Only In Dreams." Weezer helps me clean. Turns out the "Dope Nose" video should be finished soon or already is. I'm hoping I can actually SEE it. (I didn't get to see the Photograph video. :( )

I might go mini-golfing tonight. Yay!

I went shorts hunting yesterday. I caught two pairs, and a denim skirt. Woo! I got to play UmJammer Lammy last night. It rocked! I almost beat the whole game in a night...but it was still fun! I'll have to play it again tonight. Did anyone start the cirriculum questions for Social Studies. Nope, didn't think so. I have this theory that I work well under pressure or last minute. I seem to do good on essays and homework that way. Also, working at night seems to work for me. But then again, I'm crazy so what did you honestly expect.

Holy crap, Justin can draw some kickass things. He IMed me some of his drawings and animations and such and they were all better than anything I could do if I sat down for a long time. I'm artistic, but not in the drawing department.

I'm bored. I'm once again downloading a song on this piece of crap 56K modem, so I'm not getting anywhere fast. "Across The Sea"- Live. It better be worth every bit of its 6.35 MB. It's done about half way, and it STILL has about 46 minutes left. *Sigh* I want someone I know to come online and verbally harass me. At least that's better than being bored. A new video from The Hives premiers on Thursday. Rock on.

I'm going to say a random statement that makes no sense for my own enjoyment. Excuse my idiocy.

.....I own a monkey that dances with Barbara Streisand every Wednesday. Jealous? You bet.

How was that? I thought that wasn't half bad. Come on MTV2. Play a good video. Oh yeah, I watched MTV2's Most Controversial Videos and kids, it was great. I actually got to see the Bloodhound Gang eat their own feces while in monkey suits ("Bad Touch"), Jeremy actually put the gun in his mouth, ("Jeremy"- Pearl Jam) and I got to see a steamy sex play group! ("Justify My Love"- Madonna) I've seen about all of the top 20 videos, and uncensored just makes them better. This doesn't mean I'm a pervert...ok maybe. But a video in its original form is the directors vision and MTV isn't cutting everything remotely "intolerable", as Jen would put it, out of the video. Ok, that one Bjork video scarred me for life, but she always has scared me to begin with.

5:17 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Sunday, April 14, 2002

The Friday Five! (On Sunday)

1. What is your favorite restaurant and why? My favorite restaurant is probably the Olive Garden. You don't even have to be Italian to go there, because once you leave you are. I'm definetly not. Well now I am. Even thought the WIT (Waitress In Training) we had was clueless (Jess with the Salad Dressing), the food was awesome.

2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to? My favorite fast food restaurant has to be Taco Bell. No one, not even alien Al Gore, can resist a taco.

3. What are your standards and rules for tipping? I thought it was something like 6% or 7% of the bill. I thought that was the state law or something. All I know is that if you don't tip them, they get Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen to stalk and kill you. I must have forgotten one time, because now they are EVERYWHERE. My grandmom yesterday was like OOO, what's this? A Mary Kate and Ashley game? I was like Oh yeah, I liked them when I was...8? So I got UmJammer Lammy. Rock on. My playstation isn't hooked up though. :(

4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert? Usually I don't order an appetzer so I don't spoil my appetite, or what I have left of one, before dinner. Then someone orders one and I eat some of there's or the bread basket (dun dun DUN!) is on the table and bread is my love. So then I eat half my dinner and don't have any room for dessert, but look at the dessert menu to see what I could have gotten if dinner never existed. Sort of like Let's Make A Deal when they show you a brand new car behind Number 1 when you already got stuck with 3 teddy bear rocking chairs when you picked Number 3. That actually did happen once. What a deal.

5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant? Usually I just keep the water or Iced Tea or Lemonade. Sometimes I get a Coke and it just sits there. I'm not big on drinks, so usually I don't get anything. I have sensitive teeth and I hate when they fill the cup with half ice, half soda. Ice is my enemy, and the food industry has a conspiracy against me. Or I'm paranoid. Yeah. That's it.

1:36 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Friday, April 12, 2002

My Mormon name is Shambertine Crille Banner!
What's yours?

Oh man, boys and girls, you HAVE to go here and get "mormofied!" Courtney's mormon name was Busbyberkly Jukebox-Jezabel Marshell. Wow. That was so fun. Mormons need meds. Courtney and I are going to do THE FRIDAY FIVE now. Heeeeeeeere we go!

2:53 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Thursday, April 11, 2002

I need me one of these...

It's a chair, it's a table, it's the versatile CHAIBLE!

I swear, Australians think of the coolest things. Canadians too. On this thing my mom got for a chance to win a trip to the MTV Movie Awards, it said that if you lived in Canada and won you had to answer a mathematical question to recieve the prize. Honestly, I think Americans are more stupid than Canadians are. I mean, I'm an American, and I'm a total DS. If Canada can produce Sloan, eh?'s, and the Molsen Beer commercial with the bear, I think Amercians should be the ones answering the question. Can I get an AMEN?! (guy in back row screams "You Suck!") Yes brotha, scream for tha Load! *cricket noise* Um, right....

8:00 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

*Take The Gap Toothed Celebrity Test!*

I vill be back!

7:02 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now, you can handle the situation. Jack is the only sone of Awe Shitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and No divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone say's you dont know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

That my friends, is a work of art. Thank Lindsey the next time you see her, she passed that one on to me. Go here to see some Schitt in action.

My brother was singing "Kung Fu Fighting" at dinner. I felt like either kicking or karate chopping him or dancing on the table showing off my impressive karate moves. Who needs dinner when you can show off some mad karate skills. Forget about peas and carrots, kids. Hiiiiiiiiiiiya!

6:31 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

What Flavour Are You? I taste like Peanut Butter.I taste like Peanut Butter.

I am one of the most blendable flavours; I go with sweet, I go with sour, I go with bland, I go with anything. I am practical and good company, but have something of a tendency to hang around when I'm not wanted, unaware that my presence is not welcome. What Flavour Are You?

Unwanted presence...sure. Ok, well I'm going to go now that I know I AM NOT WANTED *tear*. The sob session is done.

4:59 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Wow. That download was a waste of time. Ok, another one. Homework, Spider Solitaire, AOL and downloading songs all at once. Cool. OOO. A red foam clown nose! *Puts on nose. Squeezes it. Puts it down*

9:39 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Nothing much to talk about. I hope to have another QUIZ (it seems a lot of people just go to my site for quizzes. Oh well.) up by tomorrow. I wish I knew how to make one, because I thought about the PERFECT personality quiz I could make. Ladies and gentlemen...Which Bob The Builder Character Are You? Genuis, I must say. Really, if you watch the show (which I do...hey! I babysit...) each truck has a different personality. I like the crane with no self esteem.

My ruffly blouse went over well. I got "it looks like what Austin Powers wears" to "didn't they wear that stuff in colonial times." I guess those are compliments...sure is interesting. For some reason I took a walk today. I think my aunt thinks there's something wrong with me, because usually I don't want to get off of the computer chair and leave a game of Spider Solitaire. I'm telling you, Microsoft invented that game to brainwash idiots like me. So, I walked, and it was supposed to be one of those "thinking walks", but too many songs were in my head, and I couldn't think of anything to think of. Then my brothers stalked me down on their bikes, and when they stopped to eat goldfish, I ran away. Buahaha. It was fun. Like an escape from evil rabid tooth decaying brats.

I just found out my brother does NOT have to get 4 root canals done! Instead they are putting on these stainless steel cap things, and one of the teeth are getting something else. All my mom knows is that it's less moola that's going into his mouth and now we can have the Communion Party again. Where? I don't know, because the place we origially had it planned at burnt down in a freak accident. (see: February 25th) When he's about 18, then the major crap will happen. For some reason I have "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones in my head. Hmmm...

From about 7-8 I was outside playing soccer and baseball (not really organized) with my brothers and mom. I get winded really easily because I don't do any physical activities. (11.9 + 11.3 on the Shuttle Run and 9:37 on the mile! woohoo!) It was great. I walked and kinda played sports. I'm turning into a jock! Haha, the possiblity of that happening is slim to none. None being the possibility. Wait, nevermind. Anyway, Kyle kept tripping and he was close to the goal so he hit the ball with his hand. It was more funny to see it, both of them are klutzes. But so am I.

I need some more songs. I'm going to download one right now. My playlist is...all audio. I'm going to post my Physical Fitness Testing scores, so you and I can get a good laugh.

Mile: 9 minutes 37 seconds
Sit and Reach: 22 centimeters
Flex Arm-Hang (no pull ups for me): 38 seconds
Shuttle Run: 11.9 and 11.3 seconds
Sit Ups: 35 (it's really 32, but Brianna and I rounded up)

I can't remember anymore, but I am so proud of my lousy scores. I got the same mile time as I did in the fall. I have the lung capacity turtle or something like that. I seriously need to download a song. Oo, good song.

"Leave me alone. I won't pick up the phone. And I won't listen to messages. Sent by someone who calls up and says. I don't like how you're living my life. Get yourself a wife. Get yourself. You're living a dream. Don't you be a slob. Slob. Slob." - "Slob"- by who do you think?

I'm going to download a song. Ok. "Been In The Storm". Uh oh. It's already at 10%. It's only 900 something KB. Damn short =w= songs. Grrr. Oh well, I can download a lot of them now. OH yeah, Social Studies homework. Strikes. Labor Unions. Bread and Butter Issues. What is that? That's not an issue, it's a food. Dana is addicted to The White Stripes now. I've officially made her parents worry about her state of mental health. Ohhhh yeah! Her brother is going around singing "Little Room." If you don't know the song this is it:

(Drum banging, Jack White in a sing song voice)
"When you're in a little room, and you're working on something good.
But if it's really good, you're gonna need a bigger room.
And when you're in the bigger room, you might not know what to do.
You might have to think of how you got started sittin' in you're little room.
La La La La La...etc." - and that would be the whole song. It's like half of a minute.

My song's done downloading. Either it's stupid or really good and I'll play it a million times until I get sick of it, like I do with other MP3's and CD's. Oh, by the way, Rivers Cuomo is officially the founder of child mollestation. Just thought I'd add that in. Nighty night.

9:13 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Tuesday, April 09, 2002

Not much to talk about. In French class today, we were writing down things, and if your table matched what Madame Bowers wrote, we got "bon bons" (lollipops). We matched and for some reason I shreiked. Everyone's like WHOA calm down there. All I said was that I need my sugar fix. Yeah. I liked my outfit today. My rainbow shirt, with the new red thing and shoes (weird, but wicked) and my rainbow socks. It may seem I obsess over my clothing. I really don't care, just something to write about.

I am really whiny right now. Kinda snippy. I don't know why. Maybe it's because Tuesdays don't like me. OH! Lindsay, Danielle and I are making a page about Rubber Duckies Vs. Ninjas for the Comm. Tech. project for webpage design. I'll keep you all posted. It is going to be the best thing. EVER. Not to boast or anything...

7:47 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Monday, April 08, 2002

Wow. My brother, Scott, needs 4 ROOT CANALS DONE! Age: 8 1/2. Yeah, that's sad. He eats crap food like you wouldn't imagine. I thought he brushed his teeth well, but, I guess not! Right now, my tooth hurts...NO! I don't, um, think it's anything.heh. serious. The scary dentist I have came out and said to my mom, "I feel sorry for him." Yeah, my mom either was going to cry when she finds out the $$$ it will cost, or kick my brother's ass. Oh wait, they are both going to happen. Actually, my mom already went ballistic on the rotten (no pun intended...ok it was.) child. She repeated herself a million times while screaming at everyone, not just Scott. What did I do? Nothing. While sitting at the evil dentist's I ate one of those fruit and yogurt parfait. And I quote, "Parfait has layers! Maybe ogers are like parfait! I mean, ain't nobody I know that don't like no parfait. You ask, "Do you like parfait?" no one says, "Nah, I don't like no parfait." Yeah, probably screwed that up a lot. That's because I'm a Jacq-ass. That would be Dana's new word, not intended to include my name. A weird coincidence.

So, after the deadly dentist drop-in, we went to Marshalls! I got this ruffly top and a red zipper jacket. I also got these new sneakers for like $10! Woo! They are really...me. You'll see 'em. I almost got this skirt but what kept me from getting it? The fact that I absolutely have NO hips. This is my figure: I I <---- Isn't it wonderful. *hint of sarcasm*

Righty. So after THAT we went to Portfolio Night for Scott and Kyle at Jamison Elementary School. Fun stuff. Before wandering off, I listened to some of Scott's stuff and it was good. Meanwhile, Kyle read a book about Abe Lincoln, his obsession. So I managed to wander off (thank god) and I didn't get to talk to Mrs. Holmes, but I did talk to Mrs. Leukel for about 45 minutes. She reminds me of me, well, what I think I will be like at her age if I do become a teacher. (Brutally) Honest, kind of strict, and all-around nice person. It was a great discussion, and I got the dirt on why Dr. Renaldi was sent to Palisades School District. Shhh. I'm not telling it here, but ask me and I'll tell you. I admire Mrs. L for what she did in that situation. I brought up Owney, The Travelling Dog, the story whos test made everyone flunk. I remember getting a C on that test when I had her in 3rd grade. I can't believe I remember that stuff! Ah, the simple joys of childhood.

So now, I'm typing but I have to go. I must leave to eat J-E-L-L-O (it's alive!) and get ready for bed and what not. Ttfn!

9:25 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Sunday, April 07, 2002

I feel like I should be locked away for life and flogged twice a day for what I did. I have NOT posted FOR A WEEK! What the hell is my problem?! Somebody slap me. Is it because I am actually getting a life? No, that can't. The day I get a life is the day that Joan Rivers stops getting face lifts. I know, that would be never. But, today I stand before all of you and admit this shocking statement: "I don't hate the Green Album as much as I thought I did..." (this is when everyone gasps...ok, thanks) Yes, I never thought I would come to that realization, but since I haven't even listened to it since August, I don't know what I'm saying. I pretend it's not Weezer and it's a pretty good power pop album. Enough about that, let's get to the good stuff I promised Lauren...

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

You better believe it, foo.

2) Today I discovered this site, called The Friday Five. They make up five questions each week that you can post and answer on webblogs. So I decided, hey, why not take a crack at it? This also was a decision made to amuse myself. Heeeeeeeere we go!

1. What are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day?
I crack my back (Jen, why do you make me do these things!) I also hit the snooze button about 4 times before dragging my lazy ass out of bed. Then I decide what to wear and do makeup, if any. All of this takes about an hour. Oh yeah, sometimes I eat, what do you call it? Oh, breakfast. Then I run to get the bus but end up sitting there for about 3 minutes which I could have used to procrastinate more.

2. What are the last things that you do at night before going to bed?
I brush my teeth, take out my fro, get dresses. I have gotten into a habit of secretly listening to a CD without any people knowing until I tire myself out then fall asleep. Pinkerton, The White Stripes, and Dashboard Confessional are my most recent sleepy CD's. I know that's not the most soothing music to lull you to sleep with, but remember, I'm psycho, so screaming suits me just fine, thank you.

3. What daily routine have you recently added to your day?
Blogging! Before this, I would just go to the same (Weezer and or Rock-Queenrelated) sites and wonder, "Will I ever *tear* find anything worth while, or even get a hobby?" Now, with Blogger, I can get all that and more! Order now...wait...is this starting to sound like a testimonial? Damn you late night informercials.

4. What routine do you wish you get rid of?
I guess attempting to tame my "mane", as my mom refers to it as. It's a fro, and I should just leave it alone. I tried straightening it yesterday, and it only made it shiny. If I shaved my head, I think it would be much easier. If I cut it, it will poof even MORE! What do I do? I know, I'll let my brother cut it. So then I could officially die a lovable insane person. *Sigh*

5. What's the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don't do it some point within your day?
Blogging! Wait, didn't I already say that? Well it can be the answer to two questions. If I don't blog, then I feel the need to make it up by doing a double one, then it gets to be very tedious and then I take some medication and talk to my friend Gary, my galoot. Ok, I think you get the point. When I don't blog, it makes my day incomplete and it's like a journal so it's like I lost the day and won't remember it again. Ever. Buahahahaokiamdone.

There it is kiddies. I will (try to) do this every Friday, but if not, I'll do a belated one like today. The questions are different every week, so you will find out more about me, I guess. Or don't read them and miss out on how much of a life I DON'T have.

My aunt one 1st prize in a photo contest at the Churchville Nature Center in the "People" catagory last night. Woohoo! It was cool to see all the different photos, and a lot of high-schoolers entered it. It got me thinking...photography was always an interest of mine. It would be really fun and interesting. With my "creativity" (bizarre way of thinking) I could really make some odd things. Then I would hang them in my room and either scare people or get hired by a commercial agency. Why would a commercial agent be in my room? I have no idea. I was going to say something else, but screw it.

9:22 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

Me in a tree. Circa 1990.

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