Sunday, November 20, 2005
So, I'm sitting here, trying to finish a paper (AKA playing Spider Solitaire), when it hits me.
My little brother is having more success in his love life than I am in mine...
My god, I need to straighten things out and call somebody. Yeah, that's about as vague as I can get at this point.
Oh, to be vague. What a concept!
3:20 PM | Jacquie |
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
"Awake is the new sleep, so wake up...and do it, whatever it is."
Apparently, I woke up yesterday.
During Vespers practice at the Central Moravian Church, I was standing next to Alauna, the Vice President of our unofficial musical theater group. I mentioned something aloud about "Li'l Abner," one the the billion plays in which I starred as chorus member #25. Alauna freaked out and then I freaked out and then we freaked out in stereo because we're probably the only people outside of our respective schools who know the show.
Backstory: Our musical theater group is doing a cabaret fundraiser, which is basically a bunch of us singing solos, duets, group stuff, etc. Up to this point, I had no idea what I was going to do. First of all, heh, I don't sing in front of people. Yeah, I know, I'm in choir. However, singing with 40 or so other people is completely different than singing alone. (One of my worst nightmares is that during a song, the choir will stop and I'll still be singing.) I like having that safety net.
Back to "Li'l Abner." So, Alauna said to me, "We should do one of the songs from 'Li'l Abner'!" My signature sentimental enthusiasm due to a) remembering something from middle school and b) relating this with someone who didn't go to Tamanend plastered a stupid, excited grin on my face. When she said this, I didn't have many options. Plus, I needed something to do for the cabaret, right? So I obliged, my self-consciousness silently panicking in my head.
After choir came the meeting, or in my case, THE FINAL HOUR! *pyrotechnics* I was kind of excited about the song, being that it was something unique that I already learned 5 years ago (even though it wasn't a chorus song, yeah, I really am that much of a dork). Right away, Alauna and I worked out the lyrics, which took a little while because I hadn't done the show (or even sung that song except with my friends) for 5 years, and she did it about 3 years ago. Eventually, we got enough down to give a sufficient run through.
MOMENT OF TRUTH! (dun dun dun) Oh god. My stomach tensed up, my hands shook. I tried to picture Chris Beans as best as I could for inspiration. I used to goof around and pretend to be Marryin' Sam, but god, I'm going to actually have to sing the song in front of PEOPLE. Alauna, who is naturally bubbly, was glowing, and she called me up to the stage. Given, this was an informal thing, but if you know me, you've probably never really heard me sing much on my own.
I suppressed my fear as much as I could, but it all went to my hands, which shook the looseleft lyric sheet as we sung. We did the song, "Past My Prime," she as Daisy Mae, and I as Marryin' Sam(antha? I had to bring it up an octave). I tried to act a little bit to keep myself from having a seizure, and to add a little something to a somewhat last minute thing. In retrospect, I think we complimented each other nicely vocally, but at the time, that was the last thing on my mind. After we were done, I ran back to my seat in the auditorium, and Zach praised me while I shrugged off the compliments like I always do.
Katie Smith, our beloved pres, had an idea. I saw her look at me, and I'm positive that an "Oh crap." look spread across my face. She thought of a song that she would like me to do...as a solo. Gulp. Heh. I just partially conquered one of my biggest fears. Screw gradual desensitization, go straight for the flooding. I felt a little confident, because this meant that I didn't fail that little musical quiz, so I told her I'd try, with a hint of self-bashing thrown in to kick it up a notch. BAM!
So now, I'm simultaneously scared, excited, and thoroughly confused. Am I really not as bad at singing as I make myself out to be? If so, then that's good to know. If not, then I was being patronized, and boy, do I love that. I guess it's really not up for me to decide. Singing is, for the most part, a public thing. If someone's singing in a forest, and no one hears it, are they singing? Well, consider me the resident forest chanteuse. Maybe I just need to let go a little bit and succomb to the fact that I may very well not be World's Worst Singer.
As the cabaret comes closer and closer, I'll try to rid my fear. If I do this, I think (Warning: pregnant ladies, old people, and whatnot shouldn't read the following statement) I might be proud of myself for something. Gasp! Not too proud, mind you, but Humblelina might go on a short break from her current dictatorship in my brain.
Hey, who knows? Maybe after this, I might be able to play the piano in front of people...
Humblelina: Whoa there, Jacq-ass, baby steps. Baby steps.
10:22 PM | Jacquie |
Thursday, November 10, 2005
"If you gamble everything for love, you're gonna be alright."
~ Ben Lee, "Gamble Everything for Love"
"I, too, have such doubts!"
~ Sister Aloysius, Doubt
1:12 PM | Jacquie |
Monday, November 07, 2005
Once again, I'm procrastinating. PVP sucked all of my attention out of my brain, and now I don't know what to do. If I'm so interested in French, maybe I should start using it more...
Pourquoi que je pense de lui souvent? J'espere qu'il me parlais quand je n'avais un probleme. Peut-etre, il ne m'aime pas comme l'ete. Est-ce que ton coeur froid comme l'automne? Peut-etre, je suis folle. Mais, on disait que nous sommes fous quand nous tombons en amour. Ca, c'est l'esprit de l'amour. C'est le part de notre amour que je manque. Je te manque, aussi, mon petit ami. Mais, comment je sais quoi que tu penses? Peut-etre, je t'oublierais. J'essayerai. Peut-etre, je suis le probleme. Ce n'est pas nouveau dans ma vie. Arrete moi, s'il vous plait. Seulement toi. Je t'aime.
10:09 PM | Jacquie |
Sunday, November 06, 2005
God, what I'd do right now to have ESP.
(Semi-related side note: One time during a pre-dinner conversation, my mom said something that I was thinking of at that moment. Mistakenly, I said, "Mom, you must have PMS!" Good thing she didn't at the time; she thought it was pretty funny.)
This is what I wrote (before erasing) for my paper on postmodern theater:
"The Wooster Group, founded in 1975, was one of the postmodern theater's largest contributers. Wooster sounds like rooster. Haha. This makes me laugh. Group sounds like poop. So basically, it's rooster poop. The end."
...Man, my writing teacher was right. Maybe I should consider majoring in English. Too bad I'm considering French at the moment, thus possibly depriving society of "Wooster Group"-caliber literary gold.
Focusfocusfocusfocusfocushandsanitizer. I love this stuff. It's liquid...but then it's not. Jesus, I'm out of my gourd. Alright, I have to a) stop typing on here and b) get some sleep...post-paper writing, that is. Chao.
10:52 PM | Jacquie |
Last night, you made your way into my dreams. I was at a party, and all of a sudden I saw you...but you weren’t you. You had aged, your face hardened by some unknown force. Tufts of shocked white hair weakly clung to your fragile, balding scalp. Despite your weakened state, you were enlightening a group of people with your signature charm. I tried to make my way through the crowd, but you suddenly disappeared. Even though I saw no evidence, I knew it was me who had caused you to leave...
Ok. So that whole..."Let's pretend that I don't have emotions" thing isn't working out, if you couldn't tell. I don't know what's wrong with me. When things are going well, I tend to panic because I think that time's ticking away until some inevitable badness pushes me down. When things are going badly, I seem to not notice until later or throw myself into denial.
Sheesh. God forbid I love someone without punishing myself. I just hope that I haven't done anything that will jeopardize the future. If so...fuck.
I think I need to talk to him.
5:57 PM | Jacquie |
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Ladies and gentlemen...the bitch is back.
In recent news, Drew and I are currently on hiatus. I guess I have to destroy the evidence of my feelings for him in order to get by.
A tad rash? I’m not sure.
Well, here goes nothing...
“I just saw Mr. Teschner. No lie.”
Funny, our choir teacher. I wonder how ol’ Tesch is doing.
“I miss you.”
Oh, the naivete of late June. He missed me alright, it was one day since I last saw him at that point.
“If you’re up later, give me a call. I love you so much.”
If he really knew me, he would know that I would be up, or would have gladly woken up had he just called me.
“Hey, how’s everything going on the home front?”
That was the day of my uncle’s funeral. I wanted him to be there so badly...but he was in New York for a show, so I saw him afterwards. I’m sure he didn’t want to go to the funeral, so it was probably for the best...
“I love you too, and I couldn’t even ask for anyone more perfect. Loving you more today than yesterday...”
First of all, no one’s perfect. Second of all, my mom likes that song. There should be a law against referencing something in that category...
I’m a horrible liar. I like the song, and we sang it together at Wawa one time, but that meant nothing, but I’m sure he doesn’t remember that...
“There are no messages left.”
Truthfully, I did this a couple of days ago. These are some of the text messages I still have filed under D...no, not for donut.
Let’s see...I still have his song on my laptop, and the Mr. East calendar is still hanging on my wall. If you haven’t guessed it, he’s Mr. November. I suppose if things don’t pan out in the future, those will be gone too. Well, maybe not the calendar for practical reasons. I’m not going to lie, taking down the pictures from the Chuck E. Cheese’s photo booth was difficult. Alright, in order not to ramble incessantly about my emotions about said split (?), I’ll turn my attention to something I haven’t talked about at all...
...College. In my summer reading book (author synopsis: “Jesuits in space.”), there was a group of people the space travelers encountered known as the Runa. These people were “all up ons,” if you know what I mean. Constantly hugging, touching, etc. Apparently, I’ve befriended many Runa at Moravian. If you know me, you know that I’m not really comfortable with much physical contact. My family members are definitely not the touchy feely type, we’re more along the lines of...punchy screamy. Unfortunately, I’m only comfortable with physical contact from a select few (a more recent addition being the author of several deleted text messages), so currently I’m even more standoffish. Oh well, maybe Brandon will eventually “convert” me, and I’ll be a hug person, but for now, I have no desire to touch anyone.
Random time: yesterday, my choir director (visualize a middle-aged, balding Argentinian) dressed up like Mr. Incredible. It was awesome.
I like fall. The leaves on the trees in Bethlehem are beautiful, and everything feels simultaneously crisp and serene. Halloween was a lot of fun. A large group of Moravianians, including myself, went “looking for ghosts” around South campus. Nothing really happened, but it made up for the lack of random nightly goofing-off during the rest of the month. Here are some pictures from our adventure, courtesy of Brandon.
We went to a Halloween parade on Sunday, and another indicator of Moravian being the right school for me was the costume theme (or lack thereof) of our radio station personnel. One guy dressed up like a giant steak, others were urinal cakes, and a girl was Miss Urinal Cake. Fantastic. Our posse went as an obnoxious group of “big kids” who screamed at the people on floats to throw us candy. A random guy in front of us chuckled at our shenanigans the whole time, and this probably did nothing but raise our confidence, thus increasing our obnoxiousness. On Sunday night, we had our first Women’s Choir concert, which went rather well. Saturday night was my first true encounter with drunkenness. I didn’t go out looking for it, it came to me. More specifically...my room. It was...interesting.
Friday night was when the decision to put our relationship on hold for a little while happened via internet/phone combo w/fries. I won’t go into detail, however, the book is currently on Amazon, if you want to take a gander. For all of you early holiday shoppers, it’s an excellent stocking stuffer!
If anything happened before last Friday, it beats me. I’m too lazy to think about it, and I have too much else on my mind. Sometimes, I wish I could rewind everything and go back to this summer. Oddly enough, an appropriate song just starting playing in my headphones...
“Can I get close to you
If only for awhile?
I don’t need mean to busy you
But you’re the jive guru and
I wanna sing along with you.
Your sweetness could cause a rockslide,
If only before the summer time.
This could be our last goodbye,
Please darling, please don’t cry.”
...I like fall, but I fell in love with summer, and missing it hurts like hell...
“Feeling the same as I did yesterday,
Feeling the same as I might do tomorrow.
Watching my hopes follow dreams down the drain,
I’m only joking, of course, yet again as I do.
Watching another day turn into night,
There goes another month, doesn’t it frighten you so?”
I can’t help but wonder if summer misses me.
11:08 PM | Jacquie |