Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Do you remember this?
This right here, I miss it.
I mean, when it was really full-swing. I was happy, right? I seemed spunky. I said things like "aw man!" and had my own quirky way of examining the teenage microcosm in which I dwelt. It's all in the exclamation points. Look at them. They weren't forced or anything, as natural and reflexive as breathing.
I realized something today. I was listening to Weezer, and it hit me. I really loved Weezer, remember that? Well, depending who you are, you may not know the full details of my notoriously unhealthy love affair with the group. That one band monopolized the majority of my lunchtime chit chat. At school, Weezer was the background music. At home, it was the pet that eagerly awaited me at the door.
In an objective sense, Weezer isn't incredibly profound. Anyone who employs campy pop culture references as metaphors for puppy love isn't exactly producing Pulitzer Prize-worthy gold. However, what they lacked in lyrical depth and musical complexity, they more than made up for in accessibility and feeling. I felt this emotional connection to the music and the lyrics have the tendency to unintentionally capture adolescent angst and restlessness. Simply put, Weezer really meant something to me; not many things evoke that craziness within me anymore. If a pop-rock ensemble could grab me in such a profound way five years ago, and nothing I make for myself at this juncture in my life has that kind of staying power, something must have changed.
What went wrong? Is my life more complex now, and I don't have the ability to devote such time to a pithy rock band or be overly nostalgic about anything? Do I not experience the same rapture when listening to music as I did in the past? Have I not found that "something" about which I am madly passionate to substitute my (albeit short-term) unrequited love with Weezer? Was the Green Album so bad that it tainted everything after its release?
You tell me the answer, because I'm having quite a bit of difficulty deciding this on my own. Alright, perhaps I'm only focusing on the negative aspects of this sense of anomie just to make a point (all things aside, the Green Album is truly abysmal). However, I think I've gotten a bit wrapped up in the drama, the struggle that comes with being/finding yourself, and have actually lost myself a bit in the process.
Despite what you think of me, whether you see me as a naive clown, a sharp-tongued cynic, a music geek, whether you see pathos or joy when you look in my eyes, you might not know this about me: I am incredibly worried that I won't be a good person. For years, I was really concerned about being a good person. My conception of goodnaturedness was as follows: because I am innately a decent human being (notions of survival instincts aside, this was middle school, folks), people will like me if I am as genuine as possible. Simple as that. For years, I operated on this principle. I'd like to say that this is still how I function, but I'm not so sure. I've beaten myself down. I've become crude, bitter, rash, anxious, and...need I say more?
I decided today that I have to stop this. I need to stop the anger, stop the bitterness. I have to stop thinking that the world owes me something, and instead channel that guileless, middle school mindset that I owe the world something. It saved me then, so hopefully, it will save me now.
I have to move on. I decided that I'm finally ready to apologize to you all.
With a little help from Radiohead.
"All I Need"
"I'm the next act, waiting in the wings..."
I'm sorry, Uncle Charles. I'm sorry that I greeted you with apathy every time you displayed your concern. I'm sorry that I haven't, to this day, talked to Aunt Viv about you because it hurts too much. I can still barely think about you without crying. I have to take better care of her. I wish I said "I love you" more instead of slamming the door, but there's nothing I can do about it now. You're dead.
"I'm an animal, trapped in your hot car..."
I'm sorry, Zach. I'm sorry that things didn't work out, and that I was a flaming wench and never wanted to see eye-to-eye (height difference aside). Dating your best friend wasn't the coolest move, either. I feel like we could still be friends if I tried harder. We're really not that different, you and I. Maybe our similarities repelled each other in the end. I still think that you're funny as hell. I'm also incredibly sorry that I didn't go to that Peddle to the Meddle where you premiered your skit. I was so blinded by my jealousy of the "Hip Squad" (I felt inferior to them, and thought you'd like them more than me), that I didn't want to do anything even associated with them. I guess I sealed my own fate, and I'll have to live with that.
"I'm all the days that you choose to ignore..."
I'm sorry, Scott. I'm sorry that I always made fun of you and downwardly compared myself to you in order to make me look better. I'm really not that great of a sister sometimes, and I'm going to try harder. You just have to work with me.
"You are all I need...you are all I need..."
I'm sorry, Kyle. I'm sorry that you might end up being the glue that holds the family together. I've been too wrapped up in my own problems to show genuine affection towards our parents. I don't feel like part of the family, and I know that you don't really understand this because you feel this intense obligation to love people unconditionally. That used to be me before I strayed from myself. Don't lose that.
"I'm in the middle of the picture, lying in the leaves..."
I'm sorry, Marina. I'm sorry that I didn't make it a point to hang out with you much last semester. Since I've been away, I've realized how much you mean to me. I think I may have taken our friendship for granted, and for this I apologize. You've been nothing but incredibly caring towards me, and I feel like I have to play some catch-up. I'm also sorry about freshman year. I should have told you more about how I felt about things instead of silencing my thoughts.
"I am a moth who just wants to share your light..."
I'm sorry, Dana. I'm sorry that I was jealous of you for years, even as early as elementary school. My family always used you as the marker of achievement, so I've always seen you as this infallible, perfect person. I know you probably make mistakes too, but never seeing you really fail always made me feel like a small person. This was horribly wrong and stupid. I wish you the best of luck with everything you do, because you're a capable, witty, amiable individual, and I cherish all of the fun times we had together. Whatever it is, you have it and you always have.
"I'm just an insect, trying to get out of the night..."
I'm sorry, Dan. I'm sorry that I don't know what to do sometimes in our friendship. I'm sorry that you've taken some of my choices to heart, but I'm not sorry for being honest with you about them. I hope that you'll come back, but if not, I can understand that you have your reasons just as I have mine. If so, we need to work on this more. I can't stand you not being in my life. I'm sorry about all of the times when I've taken things you've said too personally or have offended you by not thinking about the implications of my statements. You know how I just love to shoot my mouth off when I get defensive. I'm sorry that I haven't lived up to your expectations, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to. As far as I'm concerned, there is no such thing as perfection. This isn't an excuse for not trying to be a better person.
"We only stick like glue, because there are no others..."
I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. I'm sorry that I've been so impatient and hostile with you both. It's been hard for all of us for such a long time, and I'll try to focus less on the bad and more on the good. You're really not as bad as I make you out to be. I'm sorry that I don't feel like I can relate to either of you. Where the fault lies is neither here nor there, but I can attempt to show that I do care about you. I'm still there, jumping off of the swingset in the backyard of 2775 Valley Road. You just have to look harder to see me now.
"You are all I need...you are all I need..."
I'm sorry, Aunt Viv. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to been more open with you and sometimes get frustrated when you care too much. I've since realized that it's impossible to care too much about someone. I hope I haven't been biting the hand that feeds. I love you more than you will ever know, and likely more than I'll ever let on. Thank you for making my life possible. If I can have as much impact on someone's life as you have on mine, I will have an amazing life.
"I'm in the middle of the picture, lying in the leaves..."
I'm sorry, Clint. I'm sorry that I've occasionally taken out my exasperation on you. It's simply unfair. You're a patient person, and you really don't deserve that. Thank you for being so loyal despite these outbursts. I'm sorry for being so needlessly competitive sometimes, and that you're really the only person I'm competitive with. It's messed up. If this undesirable part of me leaks into our friendship, I will be quick to amend the situation. I wouldn't want to ever lose you as a friend, especially over something as asinine as an inferiority complex. It's happened before, and I won't let it happen again.
"It's all right, it's all wrong. It's all right, it's all wrong..."
I'm sorry, Taylor. I'm sorry that I treated you so poorly when we dated, and still haven't really lived up to your expectations as a person. I have to stop being so selfish and obnoxious and try to be whatever it is you see in me that is worthy of your friendship. The fact that you're so selective and we're still friends means that there has to be something there that I haven't fully tapped into. I'm sorry that I got a bit defensive over the whole South Campus friends thing. I'm sincerely glad that you've made another group of friends, because you deserve to have other people in your life as well. I do, however, plan to be part of yours for a long time.
Please forgive me. To anyone else whom I owe a sincere apology, I'm sorry. I hope that this will be the first step towards a better me. Stay tuned for updates.
7:19 PM | Jacquie |