"Awake is the new sleep, so wake up...and do it, whatever it is."
Apparently, I woke up yesterday.
During Vespers practice at the Central Moravian Church, I was standing next to Alauna, the Vice President of our unofficial musical theater group. I mentioned something aloud about "Li'l Abner," one the the billion plays in which I starred as chorus member #25. Alauna freaked out and then I freaked out and then we freaked out in stereo because we're probably the only people outside of our respective schools who know the show.
Backstory: Our musical theater group is doing a cabaret fundraiser, which is basically a bunch of us singing solos, duets, group stuff, etc. Up to this point, I had no idea what I was going to do. First of all, heh, I don't sing in front of people. Yeah, I know, I'm in choir. However, singing with 40 or so other people is completely different than singing alone. (One of my worst nightmares is that during a song, the choir will stop and I'll still be singing.) I like having that safety net.
Back to "Li'l Abner." So, Alauna said to me, "We should do one of the songs from 'Li'l Abner'!" My signature sentimental enthusiasm due to a) remembering something from middle school and b) relating this with someone who didn't go to Tamanend plastered a stupid, excited grin on my face. When she said this, I didn't have many options. Plus, I needed something to do for the cabaret, right? So I obliged, my self-consciousness silently panicking in my head.
After choir came the meeting, or in my case, THE FINAL HOUR! *pyrotechnics* I was kind of excited about the song, being that it was something unique that I already learned 5 years ago (even though it wasn't a chorus song, yeah, I really am that much of a dork). Right away, Alauna and I worked out the lyrics, which took a little while because I hadn't done the show (or even sung that song except with my friends) for 5 years, and she did it about 3 years ago. Eventually, we got enough down to give a sufficient run through.
MOMENT OF TRUTH! (dun dun dun) Oh god. My stomach tensed up, my hands shook. I tried to picture Chris Beans as best as I could for inspiration. I used to goof around and pretend to be Marryin' Sam, but god, I'm going to actually have to sing the song in front of PEOPLE. Alauna, who is naturally bubbly, was glowing, and she called me up to the stage. Given, this was an informal thing, but if you know me, you've probably never really heard me sing much on my own.
I suppressed my fear as much as I could, but it all went to my hands, which shook the looseleft lyric sheet as we sung. We did the song, "Past My Prime," she as Daisy Mae, and I as Marryin' Sam(antha? I had to bring it up an octave). I tried to act a little bit to keep myself from having a seizure, and to add a little something to a somewhat last minute thing. In retrospect, I think we complimented each other nicely vocally, but at the time, that was the last thing on my mind. After we were done, I ran back to my seat in the auditorium, and Zach praised me while I shrugged off the compliments like I always do.
Katie Smith, our beloved pres, had an idea. I saw her look at me, and I'm positive that an "Oh crap." look spread across my face. She thought of a song that she would like me to do...as a solo. Gulp. Heh. I just partially conquered one of my biggest fears. Screw gradual desensitization, go straight for the flooding. I felt a little confident, because this meant that I didn't fail that little musical quiz, so I told her I'd try, with a hint of self-bashing thrown in to kick it up a notch. BAM!
So now, I'm simultaneously scared, excited, and thoroughly confused. Am I really not as bad at singing as I make myself out to be? If so, then that's good to know. If not, then I was being patronized, and boy, do I love that. I guess it's really not up for me to decide. Singing is, for the most part, a public thing. If someone's singing in a forest, and no one hears it, are they singing? Well, consider me the resident forest chanteuse. Maybe I just need to let go a little bit and succomb to the fact that I may very well not be World's Worst Singer.
As the cabaret comes closer and closer, I'll try to rid my fear. If I do this, I think (Warning: pregnant ladies, old people, and whatnot shouldn't read the following statement) I might be proud of myself for something. Gasp! Not too proud, mind you, but Humblelina might go on a short break from her current dictatorship in my brain.
Hey, who knows? Maybe after this, I might be able to play the piano in front of people...