Q: What do finals and Christmas have in common? A: They both suck. Oh, and they both happen in December.
To commemorate the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year," I, in my desperate state of hyperprocrastination, parodied a familiar Christmas tune as a salute to the my kindred collegiate spirits out there.
You'll know us when you see us - completely FUBAR after getting an hour of sleep in 36 hours, having Amp drinking contests with ourselves (we win, we always do), and sacrificing hygeine along the way as if a 15-minute shower is severely cutting into paper-writing time ("Travis, you and my B.O. can go fuck each other, this fucking 15-PAGE PAPER FOR STATISTICAL ACCOUNTING OF MANAGEMENT: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO DUE IN..26 HOURS AND 42 MINUTES CAN'T, BRA!")
Travis has a point. Maybe we should shower. After the paper's due, of course.
“Oh, Holy Shite”* (To the tune of “Oh, Holy Night”)
Oh, holy shite! It’s due tomorrow morning, This is the night of unparalleled girth. Long have I been inside, procrastinating, ‘Til night appeared, said my grade’ll drop in worth. An Adderall, my weary brow is sweating, For yonder breaks a new and cursed morn.
Asleep on the keys! O, hear the rentals’ voices: “No child of mine! No child, You are no child of mine! No child, No child, No child of mine!”
Led by the guise of faith in prior slacking, With bleary eyes by my keyboard I sit. So led by light of iMac brightly gleaming, Here come the sheep for counting if I quit. The Sin of Sins – an F in my own major; At this point Facebook is my only friend.
I need to sleep, this weakness is no newsflash. Behold my bed! Behold my comfy bed! Behold my bed, Behold my bed.
I wish he taught content for this assignment, His prompt is vague and his rubric’s unclear. A few mistakes could throw my class alignment, At this rate, I’ll have two Senior years. Sweet Jesus, he sure graded very quickly, To get mine, I’ll log into campus web.
Christ, that’s my score?! O curse his name forever, His gradebook and tenure evermore proclaim. His gradebook and tenure evermore proclaim.
*Note: It's only semi-autobiographical. I'm not in jeopardy of failing a Psych course or being a "Super Senior." I'm just not that cool.