I can't sleep. I chalk it up to too much sleep this morning and too many thoughts on my mind.
Someone the other day said something that really shook me to the core. We were discussing 9th grade, and he said that, back in the day, I used to think that I was too good for everyone. After vehemently denying this, I paused. Was I really like that? At the time, I considered myself to be a real dweeb based on what I assumed others thought of me. Sure, I had a decent amount of buds, and I usually stayed true to myself, but there was a part of me that was unsatisfied with what I had. There was a tiny spot on my brain that said I was not good enough. I never got "the guy," anything but chorus roles, or any teachers that truly believed in me, which is the support that I wanted most (we all know how attentive my parents are).
I rarely was rewarded for doing well, because, try as I might, I only seemed to do ok, not great. Most of the great people just happened to be, and still are, close friends of mine. My competitive side deflated, and as a result, I shuffled to the background. I think the last day of 9th grade was a major factor in this move. Let them shine, and I'll support them, because that seems to be what I'm best at anyway. I'll be the emotional coach and the comic relief.
Seems like the jester's lost her touch and has grown a bit stale with apathy as of late. Not only am I not good enough for me, but I'm not good enough for them. I never felt the obligation to try so much, and it seems with friendships that trying is the side order that comes with kidding one's self. If I truly have lost the ability to do what I'm best at, who am I?
Maybe it's my fatigued brain that's spewing this out (it is almost 3 AM), but sometimes I have the incredible urge to just leave everything. Pick up and go. Stop talking to people. All of that craziness. Why? Because I've disappointed myself and others, and that's what embarrasses me the most. I can't stand myself, so maybe I need to go back to the drawing board and come back with a better me. Cripes, I wouldn't even be thinking about these things if I were actually content with my current position.
Now that I've gotten that off my mind a bit, perhaps I can pass out now. "Sleep tight, grim right..."