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Life of the Bored and Taskless.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Whelp, I'm back in school.

The break went like any other; it was painfully slow in the beginning (my grandmother and cousins added to that) and was too fast towards the end. I'm not going to list everything that I did, because a) that would take too long and b) my memory is crap...which is another reason for a. Oh yeah, and nobody wants to read all of that.

Instead, I'll talk about what changed during the break. I'll start with myself. I went to this Women's Day thing with my aunt (we all know how much I celebrate my femininity) for the third time. I usually go for the free massage (my neck and back are really screwed up) and tea. I ended up bellydancing and discovering that I like meditation. Not being a skeptic all of the time really makes things a lot better.

Then again, sometimes skepticism is useful in protecting one's self from getting hurt. I took a chance, told someone how I felt (not expecting a great outcome) and it wound up being...eh. Well, at least I pushed myself to do something that I thought was necessary. I just hope we can still be friends, but according to "what always happens," it's not in the cards. My past history contradicts this in most cases, so I'll let the future do the work. It's not in my hands at this point.

I wish I could spend more time with my brothers. As annoying as they are sometimes, I usually have fun with them. Alright, I admit it; I've definitely developed the older sister syndrome. I'm pretty protective of them, but in most cases it's from my parents. Before going to college, I used to pin the blame on them a lot. Maybe tattling is more like it...I don't do anything wrong EVER. Anyway, now I find myself defending them. I guess part of this also has to do with me being removed from the usual household (2x) chaos. I don't mind my dad because I don't have to see him a lot, so he's become the retrospect version of himself to me. Does that make sense? I hope so. My brothers have become the same way too. If I were around them more, hanging out with them would seem like a foreign concept to me. I guess small doses is key to liking my family, or most families for that matter.

During the break, I floated from one place to the other. In a way, it was more liberating than college (which to me, seems more like a boarding high school than Animal House), but at the same time kind of isolating. I kind of wish that I had one place I could stay and call home. My mom's house is kind of like that, but then again, I wouldn't call it "my mom's house" if it were my home.

I just want to feel truly loved by my family, I guess. Apathy seems genetic, and I hope that I can fight again any predisposition that I may have and someday, maybe, I'll find a some dude who really loves me. I'll have children, perhaps. I might even throw a dog or cat in there for good measure. I'll make a home for myself, and I'll live happily ever after. Oh, and if anyone wants to borrow my rose-colored glasses, just give me a call.

I can't help thinking about a better time. It's fucking cold, and I have to wake up early tomorrow. My mom gave me a locket for Christmas, but it's not quite a locket. It's a cylindrical charm on a chain that you put a wish in. The only thing worth living for is in that charm, and I hope someday I'll find it.


8:55 PM | Jacquie | 0 comments links to this post

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