Wednesday, April 14, 2004
I walked outside in the rain today, just because I felt like it. Spring's here, and like the rain washing the ground, I too needed some cleansing. No, not like that, I needed to think about changing a little. Wipe my mind blank and just...think. I need to get rid of my worries and just...wash them all away. I need more confidence; when I DO have confidence, I succeed. When I don't...I'm the kind of person that I don't want to be. Sniveling, worrying, whiney, you get it. To a certain degree, I can't help it. Years of being told I can't do anything have worn on me, and I need to stop listening to them, even more so than now. Everyone's their biggest critic, I just need to be less critical of myself. I need to hold my head up and swim through the river of shit that's flooding my life. As for Chuck, he's my lifeguard.
I forgot exactly what my backyard looked like. I found a broken plastic teacup on the ground, and I went into English class mode and attached symbolism to that. My childhood's over, I just need to grasp a hold of that more and remind everyone else of that too. I'm fully capable of most things at the moment, I need people to stop treating me like a goddamn baby. I need some space.
I've been thinking of running away more and more as the days go by. I would not seriously do it, but the thought of it makes me happy. I'd just like to grab some people to do it with me, and I think I'd find comfort in not worrying about the future. Everytime people mention college, especially financial aid, it makes me want to kick something. I want to live day by day, but I guess that's impossible. Thinking that way is immature, I admit, but not worrying about EVERY LITTLE THING would be really nice.
I'm finished blathering on and on, I just needed to get some things off of my mind. I think I shall go listen to something happy or call Chuck or something. Anything except this stupid English thing. English makes me hate school, but I just started photo today which sounds like it's going to be fun. Anytime I'm allowed to be creative, I'm a happy person.
7:35 PM | Jacquie |
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