Thursday, February 12, 2004
I need A change and I need TO change. At the same time, I don't want either.
If you didn't know, I've been spoiled when it comes to having responsibilities. I don't know how to cook, I have no common sense, and I don't even have my permit or a job yet. But damn, I can sure do well in school!
I realize that soon, all of my "smarts" (which I believe are diminishing by the second) are going to be worthless if I actually want to do something with my life. Sure, I'll need them for college, but what about living away from my parents and learning how to manage a job and schoolwork at the same time?
When I really thought about this last night (while listening to the aforementioned song, see last post) I cried. I cried, because I'm unwilling to actually CHANGE myself. But with all of that blubbering behind me, I'm going to TRY and actually motivate myself and become "domesticated," because, when it comes down to it, when there isn't going to be someone pushing me to do everything, I'm going to be "shit out of luck."
Unfortunetly, the fun-loving, lazyass side of my personality might have to be sacrificed a bit, and I'll actually need to grow up. What a shame.
The song also made me lonely as hell. It seems like anymore I'm looking at guys who have a "relationship potential" with myself. Then I get hopeful that, hey, maybe they're doing the same. Of course they're not, but in the my ol' noggin they are. I need someone right now, not in a way that other people (who are not hormonally challeged like myself) do, I just want a companion. I already have Dan, who would be perfect had it not been for our "situation" (no attraction whatsoever) but I need another one. It's not that Dan's not enough, it's just that there's a gap that needs to be filled with a relationship. I know, prom's coming up, but I might just go alone. I'm going because a) I am secure enough to go and just hang out with friends and b) I already bought a dress.
So, I close this rambling with a little quote, maybe it's a little cry of loneliness, but I admit it, I'm lonely.
"Bear with me, be with me tonight."
Someone, please.
5:17 PM | Jacquie |
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